[so someone requested i make a rebloggable version of this - i’m guessing because it’s so old and they found it on my blog they couldn’t reblog it [original all-text version here]]

Hoo boy, I could probably talk about this a long time. But yeah I consider myself sex-negative. It just means that I don’t like how sexuality operates in a hetero-patriarchy. It’s hard (and some would argue impossible) to have good sexual experiences as women and fem-id’d people in a sexist society. Plus, the constant sexualization/objectification of women and sex-coercion and rape culture make simply being a woman extremely unsafe. I don’t believe in sexual moralizing or shaming or disrespecting people for having sex or expressing their sexuality. Just that I want to disassemble the force of sexual coercion and rape culture in our society.

I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with all sex positive feminism… Like I think that if sex positive feminism was done right more often, both us sex negative feminists and sex positive feminists could work together to fight both sexual coercion and sex shaming in our society (I often link people to this article about misunderstandings between sex negative feminists and sex positive feminists). But a lot of sex positive feminism, unfortunately, is easily co-opted by the sex-coercive patriarchy (making feminism “sexy”). Or it winds up being sexually coercive itself, shaming survivors for being sex negative, silencing sex workers with bad experiences in the industry and victims of sex trafficking, or silencing/dismissing critique of the porn industry/celebrating the industry despite its sexist, racist and coercive nature, etc. Or it focuses, too much on sexuality as empowering without addressing the fact that mainstream conceptions of sexuality are currently degrading and harmful to women, or that many women do not find sexuality empowering (so it alienates people like me).

There are a lot of harmful and oppressive kinks and fetishes, I couldn’t provide you with an exhaustive list. A big and obvious type are racist kinks and fetishes. Some people even go as far as trying to turn POC or POC culture into fetishes and fetishizing/sexualizing certain people of certain races. Another example is people using tools that were originally designed to torture African American slaves in their kink, also racist and offensive. There are also devotees who fetishize people with disabilites, which is incredibly demeaning and offensive. Then you have men who fantasize about harming women or even killing and eating women, humiliating women, raping women…and the scary part is, while the kink community says one should never judge someone’s fantasies: (tw: violence, cannibalism, violence against women) these men sometimes try to enact them (or have at the very least very misogynistic attitudes often underlie them). But I’m also very critical of vanilla sex practices in our society, which is often oppressive, too. it focuses on the missionary position and penis to vagina penetration, and is thus heteronormative, cis-sexist and misogynistic, rendering the insertee a passive object or fuck hole for the cis man. I disagree with people who act as if BDSM is inherently more problematic or more unhealthy than vanilla sex. And I am never for people who shame women for enjoying BDSM. But I have noticed that people will cry “kinkshaming!” to stave off criticism of the BDSM community, which can be victim blaming or foster rape culture.

I think one of the scariest trends I see emerging from sex positivism is this expectation that women will cater to a man’s fantasies and desires despite her feelings and should have to listen to his confessions of his fantasies, even if she is just his friend or acquaintance or even if the fantasies are alarming—otherwise she is “kink-shaming”—which is clearly consent-violating and disrespectful. Or you have people like Lacy Green responding to a woman whose partner was trying to coerce her to do butt sex despite her wishes not to, with a video explaining safe techniques to do it! Stuff like that ignores sexual coercion and even contributes to it. So I think sex positive feminists need to be very careful and be mindful of rape culture and how normative sex and sexual values in our culture are often coercive. If the project is to liberate women sexually, then critiquing and tearing down normative sexist sexual practices and ideology and trying to establishing empowering alternatives should be a project. And that is a project I think both sex negative and sex positive feminists can agree on and participate in.

(via faineemae)

this is a good one important q


The thing is: when someone calls you too skinny, that hurts. It’s inappropriate, hurtful, and makes you self conscious. But at the end of the day, you pick up a magazine, you turn on the TV, you go on the internet on a gossip site - what do you see? Women who look like you. Women who have a body that recalls yours, women who are considered the standards of beauty to which all must follow to be considered beautiful. You go to a store, and odds are you can find clothes that are in your size. Odds are you don’t have go to stores dedicated to people your size, clothes that might not be as cute and are definitively more expensive.

When you’re fat, not only does it hurt, but society just confirms it day after day. You flip on TV, you read a magazine, and there are no women in your size. Nobody with a body like yours, nobody modeling clothes or being called gorgeous. You go to a store, and you can’t find clothes that fit you - and even if you do find things in larger sizes, they still don’t LOOK right, don’t fit right, cause they were designed for thinner girls in mind, and making these clothes in larger sizes doesn’t mean it’s going to look good on your body. You’re told you’re ugly by a piece of shit and basically the world you live in says back, well, yeah, that’s true.

That’s the difference. No, people making comments about your body are ALWAYS unwelcome and gross, but a thin person and fat person still live in the same society that caters and upholds thinness as a standard of beauty. That doesn’t change, and that’s why it’s not the same.


On why skinnyshaming isn’t the same as fatshaming, crystalzelda (via crystalzelda)

I stood by this when I posted this, and I still do. You can keep your tl;dr musings and your anecdotal evidence of how once someone told your thin friend to eat a salad equals to the societal and systemic beauty standards that call for women to be as thin as possible and cater to a very select and limited body type. This post isn’t endorsing the misogynistic practice of commenting on women’s bodies like they were public property, which is part of the patriarchy, it is laying out why saying “thin women have it hard too” is a false equivalency and utterly derailing. You’re mad someone told your friend to eat a burger? Go talk about patriarchal and sexist values that let people feel comfortable policing women’s bodies instead of hijacking posts about the damage fat shaming does to women all over the world.

(via crystalzelda)

(via witchsistah)

this is a good one q

Anonymous asked:

Is the post you're talking about from user luaren? I liked the post because I saw it was being critical of the porn industry and wanted to reread it, but I saw your post and then read more of the users blog and they seem to be against porn completely. But I just wanted to check if that was the post. Also, I have an issue: I really want to start being critical of porn (industry), but when do we draw the line between being critical and not overstepping? Also, how can an ally speak about issues

heysomeday Answer:



speak of issues and be critical, but not further place a stigma/overstep/further oppress sex workers? I know obviously one is listening to actual sex workers, but I’m just worried I guess. Do you follow any other sex workers who speak on politics, etc. such as you? Thank you! Also, did you once say that sometimes. porn isn’t always violent and it’s wrong to say all porn is? I’m not sure if it was you. And if not, I’m sorry about the confusion! Thank you so much.
I encourage you to examine why it is you want to be critical of the porn industry specifically. There are a lot of gendered sectors of labor that don’t tend to attract the level of ire from all quarters the way that sex work does.  Its important to remember when having these conversations about sex work that society rewards people who speak derisively against sex workers and it rewards people speaking or acting patronizingly on behalf of sex workers and denying us agency. There are major class, gendered, and racial systems of oppression at play which create these incentives, in addition to social stigma against sex work generally. It is extremely difficult for people outside of the industry to single out our industry for criticism without playing to these incentives.
The main error that “allies” tend to commit when engaging in this type of criticism is dematerializing our labor. Treating sexual labor as essentially different from non-sexual forms of labor and using metaphysical, aesthetic, or emotional arguments to support this treatment is what I mean here. Sometimes you will see this argued for explicitly and other times its implicit and assumed in a critique of sex work. Sex work is material labor which employs bodies to create products and perform services. The differences between sexual and non-sexual labor are socially constructed and attempts to suggest otherwise are anti-materialist.
Another error “allies” commit is treating our bodies and our sexualities as cultural products which can be critiqued objectively, a critique which tends to be invasive and is widely recognized, especially in feminist circles, as inappropriate when applied to persons outside our particular economic relationship to sex. If you are talking about a product made by the sexual labor of others, probably people less advantaged economically than yourself, it is important to respect the bodies and sexualities of those persons and not talk about them in ways which would make you uncomfortable if they were applied to yourself.
Finally, “allies” commonly cite no other sources other than their own experiences as consumers of sexual labor and propaganda from sources which sex workers view as hostile. When actual sex workers mention their experiences with sex work, they are often dismissed. Speaking on issues where the person is not knowledgeable is the third major error sex work critics make.
I don’t believe I have specifically addressed the issue of whether or not all porn is violent before, but it is true, that other than in the abstract where all of capitalism is upheld by violence, not all pornography is specifically or directly violent.
One claim that I take particular issue with, and have addressed before on this blog, is the claim that “all porn is rape”. Specifically, as a survivor of sexual assault I take great issue with people applying the idea of abstract economic coercion under capitalism to equate every sexual experience I have had in front of a camera (which range from neutral to extremely positive and emotionally meaningful) to rape.
The analogy that I use in that particular situation is that though there is coercion involved in wage labor in general there is a meaningful difference in kind and in type of the violence used to enforce that and the violence involved in enforcing slavery. No one can or does seriously argue that wage labor is not preferable, and indeed progressive in comparison, to feudalism or slavery. It is offensive to equate paid sexual labor to sexual slavery or rape.
Some other political sex workers on here are marginalutilite, loriadorable, undressedanthology, clarawebbwillcutoffyourhead to name just a few

I wish I had the mental wherewithal to add substantively to this conversation, but all I can think about is how flattered I am to be cited as a resource by jobhaver—it’s like winning a Pulitzer, you know, if that was judged by a brilliant, funny blogger whose opinion I valued. I’m also going to add to this list by mentioning leighalanna, and the redupnyc tumblr, run by the ever formidable Emma Caterine

this is a good one sex work whorephobia labor rape tag too

"The rape joke is that you were eight.
The rape joke is that at the time,
you didn’t know people had sex to express love.
The rape joke is that the only other person
who’d seen you naked was your mom.
The rape joke is that he called you ‘beautiful’ first.
The rape joke is that he held your hands together
and told you to ‘try harder’ when you struggled.
The rape joke is that you believed him
when he told you were overreacting.
The rape joke is that your grandma
called him a nice boy and asked him to stay for dinner.
The rape joke is that he winked at you
when you apologized to your parents for not coming
downstairs the first time you were called.
The rape joke is that his friends
high-fived him for “getting some.”
The rape joke is that you still don’t feel like
you’ve regrown the pieces he stole.
The rape joke is that he was conceived when his
dad slapped himself into his snoring mother.
The rape joke is that her friends told her
she was lucky someone wanted her.
The rape joke is that each year in the United States,
32,000 other women’s bellies
ripen with life against their will.
The rape joke is that he never learned
to touch without scarring.
The rape joke is that your classmate thinks
‘have you seen what asses look like in yoga pants?’
is an argument.
The rape joke is your new boyfriend kissing
you and telling you he ‘raped’ his math test.
The rape joke is that ‘Why are girls so scared of rape? Y’all should feel pride that a guy risked his life in jail just to fuck you’
is a popular Tweet right now.
The rape joke is that you wake up to
the memory of him laughing,
“now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
The rape joke is that it’s been twelve years and
you still quiver when someone touches you.
The rape joke is that he hasn’t stopped laughing.
The rape joke is that you forgot how to."
- Lora Mathis, The Rape Joke (via thespinstersquad)

(Source: lora-mathis, via babycuts-deactivated20140824)

lora mathis rape rape jokes rape culture this is a good one rereblog




A woman’s father need not be “absent” for her to potentially miss out on important lessons…Maintaining the fallacy of a flawless father figure won’t help your daughters develop the strengths they’ll need to manage relationships #FatherYourDaughters

Full sequence:

Follow me: @spokenELLE

Not just that

I am going to need fathers to tell their fucking SONS that the shit they say is wrong and sexist.

I am going to need fathers to sit their sons down and tell them “this is how you respect women”

I am going to need fathers to tell their sons that their sexist foolishness is disrespectful and should never be done

I am going to need men to actively stop other men on the street when they see street harassment happening

I am going to need men to collar other men for telling women they are ‘overreacting’ when street harassment exists.


And also, this:

"Conduct yourselves currently keeping in mind you’ll be telling your daughters all about it. Watch how much better you treat women."


my dad fucking sucks and treated so many women like utter shit and has hardly owned up to any of it at all only half assedly in regards to my mom the rest of them are just 'crazy bitches' anyway parenting this is a good one commentary twitter

"You’re drunk in a bathtub
with a red cup full of Birthday Cake flavored vodka
wearing a headdress
made of neon Dollar Store chicken feathers.
You’re half naked in a grassy field
with drugstore lipstick smeared under your eyes
dropping acid
and wearing moccasins from Urban Outfitters.
You can’t wait for Coachella
so you can finally smoke a peace pipe in a tepee
and find your Spirit Animal.
You think Native American culture is so beautiful
and clumsily show it with your
hashtags on tumblr and Instagram.
But when actual Indigenous people tell you that
Gypsy, Squaw and Red Injun are all racist slurs
Headdresses are sacred
and war paint on your white face is insulting
You say
“I’m just appreciating your beautiful culture!
I’m 1/16th Cherokee.”
Ignoring the fact that running around
naked in the woods on shrooms
will not connect you with any tribe
and that your great great great great grandmother
along with the rest of the Cherokee people
never wore headdresses."
- "1/16th Cherokee" by sumblr (via calamityjaneporter)

(Source: ursulamisandress, via digatisdi-deactivated20140324)

racism cultural appropriation this is a good one alcohol tag


It has been argued that rape constituted a form of social control in so far as it represented a means of keeping women ‘in their place’, a way of constraining their behaviour. … It is not rape itself which constitutes a form of social control but the internationalisation by women, through continual socialisation, of the possibility of rape. This implicit threat of rape is conveyed in terms of certain prescriptions which are placed upon the behaviour of girls and women, and through common-sense understandings that ‘naturalise’ gender appropriate forms of behaviour. Both the implicit threat of rape, couched in terms of prevalent social stereotypes, and the conventionally accepted ways to avoid such an experience, being in some places rather than others, doing some things but not others, adopting only specific attitudes, etc., are conveyed, and continually reinforced along with a whole range of cultural values concerning female (and male) sexuality.

The cumulative effect of press reports of rape is to remind women of their vulnerability, to create an atmosphere of fear and to suggest, as a solution, that women should withdraw to the traditional shelter of the domestic sphere and the protection of their men. … In other words, women are to limit their freedom in order to avoid rape. The irony of this kind of advice and the related representation of rape in the media is that they are based on a false premise. Namely that rape is an isolated, socially unstructured phenomenon which affects specific categories of women in special social circumstances. The reality is significantly different, however, for rape may take place within the domestic sphere, among family and friends, as much as amongst strangers. Hence rape becomes a form of social control in a dual sense, first, inasmuch as it is a form of physical coercion and violence, and second, in so far as the fear or threat of rape, as communicated by the media, in literature, on film, and in the press, serves to socialise women into tacitly constraining and limiting their own forms of behaviour and social activity.

- Women, Sexuality and Social Control: Accounting for Rape: Reality and myth in press reporting - Carol Smart and Barry Smart (via sociolab)

(Source: touchthefarthestmoon, via sociolab)

this is a good one rape rape culture misogyny

"The world is not full of Attractive People and Unattractive People. It’s full of people who are attractive to some and not to others. I hear from trolls all the time who complain that they don’t want to be “forced” to find nasty, ugly fat women attractive–which utterly baffles me, since the last thing I want to do is encourage fat-hating dicks to date fat women. You don’t find fat people attractive? Fabulous. Don’t date them. I will find a way to pick myself up and move on without your love. But to assume your lack of sexual interest in fat chicks must be universal–or that the mere existence of self-confident fat people having healthy relationships somehow “forces” you to find fat attractive–is the height of fucking narcissism."
- Kate Harding (via blck-grrl)

(via connoririshwright)

kate harding this is a good one fatphobia sexism idk tags


Disliking hip-hop doesn’t make you a racist any more than liking hip-hop makes you not a racist, and I’m sure there are plenty of Stormfront enthusiasts with Rick Ross in their iTunes. If you don’t like Jay-Z because you just don’t like the way he sounds, or you’re sick of his cloying ubiquity, or you wish he’d talk about something other than where he’s from for five seconds—hey, I’m not mad, I don’t like Bruce Springsteen for the same reasons. But if you don’t like rap music—a genre that contains multitudes—because of a self-satisfied moralism, or because you’re scared of it, or because you wish those people would stop talking about their problems and get out of your television and radio and kids’ bedrooms: well.

And I’m not just talking about the American right, I’m talking about all the well-meaning white folks who’ve told me how they want to like Lil Wayne but lo, the misogyny, the violence, the drugs. But, but, I’ll say: Bob Dylan aced misogyny; the Rolling Stones sang about violence; the Velvet Underground knew their way around some drugs. Yeeeah, but it’s different, they’ll say, elongating that “yeah” with conspiratorial inflection: you know what I mean. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Rap music doesn’t get unarmed kids shot to death, “it’s different” does. “It’s different” infuses “these assholes always get away” and gives solace to people who hear that sound bite and nod their empty heads in agreement. “It’s different” is the same logic that suggests a teenager’s skin color combined with the music he listened to means he had it coming, and it’s the same logic that lets a bunch of people feign outrage over a teenager’s use of the n-word to describe himself when they’re really just outraged that he beat them to the punch.

“It’s different” makes me shake with anger because it turns music into a dog-whistle to justify the murder of a kid who doesn’t seem all that “different” from me was when I was his age, not that different at all. I liked Skittles and hoodies and weed, too. And yeah, I’m white and never worried about getting shot for any of it, which is only the most loathsome excuse for not identifying with someone that I can possibly think of.

- Jack Hamilton, “America Is Dying Slowly: Talking About Hip-Hop After Trayvon Martin" (Good)

(Source: thediscography, via ianthe)

favorite this is a good one racism trayvon martin rap hip hop rereblog

"In the instances when POC say shit like ‘Oh I can’t stand white folk’ or ‘Damn white people’, they aren’t saying ‘Oh I think they are inferior, I want to humiliate them, abuse them, enslave them and wipe out their people!’, they’re saying ‘Damn, after a couple hundred years of white people thinking I’m inferior, humiliating me, abusing me, enslaving me, and trying to wipe out my people, I don’t wanna deal with them.’ The context is completely different."

Briana (via absinthedisco)

Reblogging every time I see it.

(via dr—grumbles)

(Source: chumpkaboo, via wretchedoftheearth)

racism reverse racism oppression this is a good one